dear alcohol, it’s not me, it’s you

On August 22, 2018, I embarked upon a journey that has completely changed every aspect of my life for the better.  It wasn’t an intentional change….I was one of those “I need to change my relationship with alcohol” people who threw around the word “moderation” a lot.  As if drinking poison in moderation is something I should be proud of. Denial is a powerful thing.

I am not sharing my story to cast judgment on anyone or to make anyone feel bad for drinking.  I am not sharing my story to seek praise, validation, or likes.  We are all on our own personal journeys in this life, and I have always tried to share my stories of weakness, shame & vulnerability-just as often as I share my stories of triumphs, successes & all-around bad-ass human feats.

I am sharing my story because I know it will speak to someone who is in the same boat I was in this time last year.  I know this because, over the course of this past year, while I have not advertised that I stopped drinking, it has come up several times at social events and I’ll just say that more of us than you know are considering breaking up with alcohol.  I have already helped a handful of people to give up alcohol-not intentionally! It just happens naturally, when you are ready for change & open to receiving.

On this day last year, I was driving back from Lafayette to Jacksonville.  After losing my parents & 2 best friends in a short period of time, I found myself drinking more, drinking earlier, watching more reality tv, eating more crappy food…. you know, numbing the pain.

The Vicious Cycle

Getting the call that my Mom was admitted to the hospital for what the doctors thought was a respiratory infection, and hopping on the next flight to go home and take care of her and her kitties while she got better, was a HUGE RUSH of #dopamine for me.  It truly feeds my soul to care for others, to fix, rescue, ESPECIALLY when it’s my Mommy!!! I get so much joy from taking care of the people I love and being a rock for those in need.  That quality -thinking I can save the world, mixed with major OCD & anxiety disorders is a recipe for a booze-soaked dysfunctional disaster....dirty, with 2 blue cheese stuffed olives:)

But that’s the thing with #alcohol…. It sneaks into the fabric of your life and becomes a “norm.” I’d gotten so used to the affects of drinking and the dysfunction & chaos it brought to my life, that I was in denial about it all-it was my norm.  I was in denial about just how much of my day was affected by alcohol.  Whether I woke up with a #hangover, had low energy or junk food cravings, got in an irrational fight with my husband, bit my sisters’ heads off for no reason, said something I regretted in a buzzed state while out with friends, canceled every work out class for the past handful of months, whether I was recovering from a hangover, preparing for a hangover by setting out Advil & water before bed, becoming okay with the knowing that a 2nd bottle will be opened that day, trying to get a quick buzz in between flights, or anticipating when I would have that relaxing glass of wine or shot of bourbon, or whether I was beating myself up at 3am when my heart was racing & head pounding, swearing today would be the day I would break the cycle, MOST of my time in this precious life has been in some way consumed and affected by alcohol and “managing” my relationship with it.

I got the call.  I got on the plane and flew home to my Mommy.  I was excited to take care of her. It wasn’t a respiratory infection.  It was #cancer.

3 weeks later, I held my Mom’s beautiful Irish porcelain-skinned face in my hands, as she laid warm in her bed, with her kitties & my sisters.... and we witnessed our Mommy take her final breath at 5:19am on November 21.

I'll always have an Irish heart No matter where I go I know where I came here from. My homeland and I will never be far apart for I'll always have an Irish heart. My faithful friends my time has come to leave this world & to enter God's home. I pray he'll fly me high He'll understand I need to say goodbye to my Ireland

Losing a parent, no matter the circumstances surrounding their passing, is a shock to the system.  After losing my Dad 5 months after his diagnosis, and losing my Mom 3 weeks after hers, and losing my 2 best friends in the same time period-needless to say-my life as I knew it came to a screeching halt.

It was always just “what we did” when I came home to visit Mom, especially after Daddy passed.  All she wanted to do was sit on the sofa, watch scary movies or Irish movies, or Mrs Browns Boys (definitely check that show out if you want deep non-stop belly laughs), order take-out, and drink wine and talk.  She was so lonely, that this truly was all she wanted-company, and someone to talk to.

When my Mom transitioned, I stayed behind in our family home in Louisiana for a few months to clean, bring stuff to Goodwill, purge, depersonalize the house for listing photos, take care of her cats and allow them time to grieve & adjust to my Mom’s absence, keep logs on the fire just about round the clock for the kitties, and just do all the things you do when your parents are gone.

Even when my Mom knew her fate, she made sure to instill fear in me to do as she asked...this was her note on one of the kitties' carriers! In front of the fire, that's only 3 of 7 cats my Mom had! Also quickly learned what a CORD of firewood looks like.

I began those days with detaching the moment I woke up.  Since I had a lot to drink the night before, I had already taken 3 Advil and drank a lot of water before bed to minimize my hangover.  Incorporating this proactive approach to hangovers was nothing short of genius, right? Since I ate so much before bed (thank you WaitrApp!-every incredible restaurant in Lafayette delivers!), had taken my Advil and drank my water, my hangover was not such a raging beast in the mornings, and I quickly discovered that an ice-cold glass of #Champagne, a toasted boudin ball from the local Cajun store & an Adderall had me feeling right in about 45 minutes.  I knew exactly what I was doing.

...Keep a champagne buzz going all day, maybe pop another Adderall so I can clean out the shed, the attic, keep the fire going for the kitties, wash Mom’s car to take pictures of it to sell, take multiple trips to Goodwill, etc.

 ...Time to wind down, and move into #chardonnay around 3pm, sit down and handle phone calls and administrative stuff.  I’ve had a nice, long, hot shower, so I’ve somehow psychologically erased the bottle of champagne I’d already consumed that morning and was feeling good to move into the next stage of my drinking.

 Chardonnay, lingering affects of a much needed brain stimulant, social media, pictures, videos, mom, dad, gone, visuals of their suffering, tears, crying kitties, add wood to the fire, classic country music, bagpipes, Mrs Browns Boys  candles, darkness, cold, shock, sadness, more tears….

This moves us into the next phase….red wine and dinner delivery…..pasta, pizza, boudin, gumbo, fried seafood everything, Alesi’s Pizza made a fortune off of me during those months!

Watch some mindless tv, Sex and the City, The Office, or maybe an Irish movie….feed kitties, clean litter boxes, add wood to the fire, put out kitties blankets which were Mom’s robe so they could smell her, more red wine, full tummy, more tears, feeling numb enough to pass out, time for bed.

Wake up. Repeat. For 5 weeks.

A downward spiral of #loss, #grief, shock, anger, loneliness, heartache, regret.  And I am now living in a world without my Mom & Dad.

I knew I was harming myself. I knew I was doing what I had to do to have the energy & focus to do the physical work around the house & to clear out our family home to sell.  I knew I was doing what I had to do to survive & cope with the #trauma I had just experienced.  I knew I had to be gentle with myself and I knew that the place I was in was a valley that I intended on crawling out of….but I didn’t know when I’d have the strength to do it.

Drinking has always been the centerpiece of my life for as long as I can remember.  I’m Irish/Scottish/Cajun-so I am pretty sure I WAS DESIGNED TO DRINK! LOL.

Once you know better, do better.

I signed up for The Alcohol Experiment & the plan was to do a 30-day alcohol detox.  I knew I needed to “change my relationship with alcohol” and had all of these ideas and tips I was ready to incorporate my new plan so that I could keep the relationship going but just drink less and less often.

However, I listened to This Naked Mind by Annie Grace on that drive back to Jacksonville on 8/22/2018.  I literally listened to the entire book in one road trip-THAT’S HOW GOOD IT WAS.

I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since.  That book changed my life-it’s like it surgically removed my desire to drink-just like Annie said it would.

I could turn this into a novel about all of the ways alcohol has negatively impacted my life and all that it has taken from me, but I suspect, if you’re reading this far, you already can figure that out and can probably even relate to my situation at some level.  Trust me, most of us have the same stories surrounding alcohol.

A major unexpected byproduct of giving up drinking was a significant reduction in my back & neck pain. WOW. I am able to hop out of bed like a 20 year old instead of the 20 minutes it used to take me to “crank up” and stand upright in the morning.  Alcohol causes acidity & extreme inflammation in the body, so while I wasn’t expecting this gift of a natural pain reliever, I welcomed it with infinite #gratitude.

I also lost 20 pounds in 2 months.  Without alcohol, the weight fell off and my #abs made an appearance, even though I hadn't worked out in months!

GoodBye Alcohol HELLO ABS!!!

Other than focusing on the good, and all of the amazing changes in my life that have come about as a result of giving up alcohol, the only thing I want to really put out there for everyone to see, especially parents, is a heartfelt, public apology to my sons, Dillon & Cullen, and to my niece & nephew, Kinley & Gage.

Once you know better, do better.

I am so sorry for the message I sent to them, raising them in an environment that not only promoted drinking & drinking to excess, but that I condoned it all & accepted it as part of my Irish & Cajun culture, without educating my sons about the dangers of alcohol, along with the psychological, neurological & physical issues that come along with drinking.

I credit my sweet Godson, Gage, and my niece, Kinley, with my determination to stop drinking.  After they lost both of their grandparents in a short period of time, grandparents who they loved and adored & spent a ton of time with, I knew that I had to step up in their lives & do all that I could to make sure I was around for them, as long as possible.

Again, this is not a judgment to anyone that chooses to drink-but as a mother, let’s just say, I wish I knew then what I know now.  I regret not having more informed conversations with my sons about alcohol-which is the MOST ADDICTIVE DRUG out there, more addictive than heroin!  But thanks to savvy marketing that makes drinking look COOL & sexy, thanks to the highly promoted “wine mom” culture, thanks to the way drinking is romanticized, it was easy to slip right into the trap.

Alcohol has taken too much from me & I’m thankful that that chapter in my life is over.

Alcohol was largely to blame for me losing my Mom.  Alcohol was the fuel for my irrational reactivity & was the catalyst for just about every blow up with my mom, my sisters & my husband.  Alcohol was largely to blame for me losing my Mom.  Alcohol was the fuel for my irrational reactivity & was the catalyst for just about every blow up with my mom, my sisters & my husband.  The toll that alcohol has taken on my physical health, my emotional, mental & spiritual health-is a toll I chose, 1 year ago today, to no longer pay.

I am sharing to let you know, that if you or someone you know is interested in exploring #sobriety, or drinking less, it’s possible, and with the right tools and coach, pretty painless:).

I am so grateful for the bumpy, pot-hole-filled road that led me here.  It hasn’t been pretty getting here, but I’m here nonetheless....lighter, stronger, smarter, healthier, more present, and able to enjoy my time enjoying my human experience!

Namaste

Sherry Nicols AKA SNicols