my body is remembering

Is your body remembering to brace itself, despite how hard you try to make it forget?

Honor your heart to heal your body.  I wrote this as an expression, but also to help anyone else who may be fighting the heaviness of a day, a week, or a season, but can't pin-point the reason.

Honor your spirit, not only during high times, but in the dark times in the deep valleys.  This too shall pass, and it's ok to live here for a minute.

I miss you, Mommi☘️. Looking forward to many more 5th dimension visits from you, as I continue to process your transitioning.  It's been 5 years ago this month, but I can't even wrap my head around the fact that you're not at the old house on Creswell, in front of a fire, with Dad and the kitties. So I started to write, and felt you there.

The body remembers.  I know this because today, I am in excruciating pain, same time as last year.  I can’t bend over to put my socks on, the pain is unbearable , but 5 years ago, I could move your massive and heavy wooden bed to clean under it and wipe down every inch of the wood with lemon oil to prepare it for your transitioning .

Special thanks to Amos Lee for this incredible song that helps me articulate my feelings. We never left you. I prepared your space, the bed you shared with Dad, and you hung on until he came for you at 5:19 am. We knew you two were reunited, as Daddy transitioned on 5.19. I'll never forget when you took your final breath, and I said to my sisters, "LOOK AT THE CLOCK!"

It was a gift to walk you home, Mommi.

Mom, I remember.  And I miss you.

I REMEMBER when you feel out of bed from all the medication you were on to keep you comfortable, and picking you up off the floor with the strength of 2 men, tucking you snuggly back in to your comfortable bed.  

I REMEMBER you asking me if you could ask for my help when you were ready to transition, while you stared into my soul and said, “Sherry, what would I do without you?” I responded, “You’ll never have to find out.”

I REMEMBER making that call to my sisters after you asked me that and telling them it was time for them to come home.

I REMEMBER listening to Scottish bagpipes on the tele while we sat by the fire, you fading in and out of consciousness from the morphine, even looking over at me once and thinking I was Dad.

I REMEMBER you and me making your memorial service playlist, laughing and crying with wine soaked tongues. 

I REMEMBER you telling me you HAD to have The Sound of Silence by Mr Sexy on your playlist and me responding, “Well when you’re gone, IT WILL be the sound of silence! I felt so bad for making you laugh so hard because you coughed so much and I knew that wasn’t comfortable for you, but you couldn’t stop laughing!

I REMEMBER driving to Oschners in New Orleans for a life-extending surgery, only to be sent right back home to prepare to say goodbye to you, and stopping at the bakery on the way home and buying over $100 of your favorite pastries.

I REMEMBER getting our tea leaves read at The Bottom of the Teacup in New Orleans and having a long, spiritual conversation on the way back home, and you telling me you had a crush on Wayne Dyer because of his sexy voice. I thought it was so on brand for you to be commenting on his sultry voice when we’re listening to a podcast about letting go, death, and spirituality!

I REMEMBER you being high on morphine, but that didn’t stop you from cleaning

your ceiling fan when you noticed it was dusty.

I REMEMBER living off of boudin from Best Stop, brekki and ta-ta’ing from the crew at The Coffee Depot in Scott , Alesi’s Pizza and champagne for months. We aren’t the “we can’t eat when we’re stressed” type of girls!

I REMEMBER having a text exchange with my son, Cullen (before I got my medicinal marijuana card) about getting you something to help with your pain that wouldn’t take you down like the morphine. It still makes me laugh today.

I REMEMBER having a conversation with my favorite human and cousin, Shelley about your requests for an Irish Wake and for a referral for lip injections for her final display. I still look back at these when I need a laugh.

I REMEMBER thinking I could cure you with plants and supplements, even though I was also feeding you morphine.

I REMEMBER you being more concerned about “the babies” than you were about your own fate, and gladly allowing them to host a “head shavin’ party” in your honor. I loved you even more when I witnessed this.

I REMEMBER Tanya and Drake trying to keep things as light as they could be for the babies, despite the face that you were in the next room transitioning.

I REMEMBER you getting all dolled up for your final chance to be on display at Shelley & Lisa’s wedding, and how no one believed that you transitioned a short 3 weeks after this night.

I REMEMBER how much you loved and adored our cousin, Shelley….

Nothing like an uninvited borderline inappropriate massage from a buzzed relative.

I REMEMBER when you were reunited with your childhood best friend from Ireland after nearly 40 years.

I REMEMBER having a tear-soaked margarita lunch with my sissies at Agave Downtown Lafayette when we thought you only had months to live after your first lung cancer diagnosis. Knowing that we had to assure you your kitties would be taken care of so you could transition peacefully, we used our to-go box to come up with a plan.

I REMEMBER wanting to get a voo doll to take our anger and grief out on your oncologist who failed to diagnose you with lung cancer after A YEAR of having ALL THE SYMPTOMS of lung cancer, and being a lung cancer survivor already with only one lung! We didn’t get that voo doo doll, but we still had a wee bit of fun.

I REMEMBER going back and forth to the vet with all 8 of your kitties to get them bathed, shaved and treated for fleas, and forgetting to put shoes on most times.

I REMEMBER having to get my own flea bath.

I REMEMBER all of the sweet wee notes you left for me, and one not so sweet threat that I better take one of your kitties home with me.

I REMEMBER being hiked up on Shelley’s shoulders because I was a bit too buzzed and wouldn’t stop talking. These months caring for you and the kitties were such a fog and I’m beyond thankful for this wacky moments!

I REMEMBER quietly saying to my sisters, after you took your final breath, to look at the clock. You left your body at 5:19 am, and we knew that was a CLEAR sign that Daddy came to get his girl, as he transitioned on 5/19.

I REMEMBER telling Tanya that she HAD to hurry up and open your bedroom window after you transitioned, so the SOUL COULD GET OUT, and watching her scurry to the shed outside for tools because the window was jammed! I told her if the window wasn’t open, your soul would be trapped there forever. #sistersshenanigans

I REMEMBER the coroner coming to pick you up, knowing how much you must have loved him commenting about you being the most beautiful dead person he’d ever seen after Tanya and Lorena did your hair and makeup. I remember him trying to put the sheet over your head, and we all loudly exclaimed “Oh No, uh-uh! Our Mom wants to be SEEN as you carry her out! You were hot to trot and you knew it!

I REMEMBER you always being our biggest and LOUDEST cheerleader. You taught me the most valuable lesson: BE WHO YOU ARE and NEVER apologize for being yourself. As you would say, if they don’t like me, they can go f!*#k themselves! Not a phrase many of us openly use, but the lesson is spot on!

I REMEMBER helping your kitties adjust to your absence and spoiling them with a round-the-clock crackling fire, fresh seafood, expensive cat food, heated blankets and space heaters.

Bust most of all, Mommi, I REMEMBER your laugh

THE BODY REMEMBERS

I thought my back was out for the 1st time all year because I slept on my sister’s sofa for 3 days.

But now I realize my body is remembering to brace itself…

I thought that because I was craving wine, out of the blue, after 3 years of not drinking, that I was weak & falling into old self-sabotaging ways.

But now I realize my body is remembering to numb itself…..

I thought I was falling into a depression due to the normal stressors of my life.

But now I realize my body remembers the draining & painful emotional rollercoaster this week was, 4 years ago…..

I thought I was, all of a sudden, losing passion for the things I love most-building our business, yoga, the beach, cooking…because I haven’t been looking forward to starting the day.

But now I realize my body wants to hibernate in order to protect itself….

I thought that I was having a heart attack, cried in the back on the ambulance on the way to the ER, and spent thousands on tests that only showed how healthy & strong my heart is.

But now I realize my heart is just hurting and that she remembers this time, 5 years ago…

The body remembers, even if your mind doesn’t.  When you are in this place, take comfort in knowing, that it is temporary, and it will pass.  You won’t always feel this way, and once you actually FEEL it, I truly believe you can HEAL it.  One can’t exist without the other.