I am not ok.

I am not ok.

A friend messaged me today asking how I was doing. Instead of my normal response, where I don’t want anyone to worry about me or to bring anyone down with how I’m really doing and why, I felt warmly held with this friend and answered honestly.

I am struggling.

We don’t dwell on “the news” and are not “doom and gloom” people who choose to live in that place, despite all that’s going on in the world, but the past few days have been a test on my spirit and heart.

…my home state of Louisiana and the aftershock of the terrorist attack on New Year’s day that killed 14 people, one young man from my home town of Lafayette….

…my heart already raw and open, honoring the memory of our son, Geoffrey, who transitioned on New Year’s day 6 years ago from a fentanyl overdose, knowing how many of our children and fellow Americans have also died or will die, playing this game of Russian Roulette

…the mall where I had my first job, where my niece and nephew and sister shop, in my hometown of Lafayette, having to evacuate and close because an armed, disgruntled former employee decided to terrorize the people in the mall (thank God he didn’t open fire on everyone) Police arrested him thankfully.

…and the most heartbreaking, as a mother being far away from her child.... I got a call last night from my son, in a state of shock, telling me he and his girlfriend just witnessed a gruesome murder in the parking lot of their apartment in Pensacola. The girl was shot at 11 times and then run over multiple times, right below their balcony. My son’s girlfriend was with the woman, a mother, someone’s daughter, as she fought to survive but succumbed to her injuries.

Anyone that knows me knows I am not a person to spread negativity or bad news. I am known for my positive outlook and high vibing energy, and for having a knack to always see the good, the silver linings.

I am struggling.

It is on my heart to write, to create, to somehow put some effort into shifting this painful energy, not only for myself, but for all of us collectively. It’s my thing. It’s what I do. I nurture. I fix. I rescue. I turn frowns upside down. I make people feel better when their hearts are hurting.

I am struggling to do this for myself. I am struggling to find a way to talk myself out of feeling this way. It’s been an interesting lesson, to be buried in grief, and to just allow myself to feel it all. This is new territory for me.

This is not a request for help. This is not a request for pity, attention, or to be seen, called on, looked after.

This is just me, being raw and open, and using this platform of social media for community, telling you my truth, and opening space for you to tell me yours.

This is me, stepping out of my comfort zone and being vulnerable, letting you know that it’s ok to not be ok, and that no matter how you are feeling at this very moment with all that is going on around us, it is all temporary.

We can all come together physically, virtually, spiritually, energetically, and support one another. We can gather and talk, vent, cry, laugh, express our anger, frustration, feelings of hopelessness and sorrow.

We can leave it all where it belongs…..back to the earth, left behind in the form of tears soaked into the collars of our loved ones, newly formed wrinkles on our faces from smiling, screaming or crying, dirt at the bottoms of our feet from connecting with our source through Mama Earth ….

We can leave it all at the ocean’s shore, at the foot of a strong and mighty oak tree, on the floor of our chosen place of worship, or in the rays of the sun rising.

We can feel it all, carry it all, and leave it all. We have a choice of how we respond to the rape of the world right now. We have a choice in what our REAL WORLD is.

I choose love. I choose forgiveness. I choose light.

The REAL WORLD is the energy you exchange with love while with other humans, nature, and animals.

The REAL WORLD is participating in raising your neighbor up and listening to your brothers and sisters who have different opinions, views, and beliefs from you.

The REAL WORLD is a beautiful microcosm filled with glimmers like sharing musical experiences with friends and strangers, rolling out your yoga mat, and letting go of all the bullshit while laying next to a dozen other people who are doing the same.

THE REAL WORLD is engaging in meaningful conversations with people you care about, making eye contact with people you see at the grocery store, the post office, or the coffee shop and CONNECTING with others with a warm smile, sending a message that neither of you are alone.

The REAL WORLD is spending time alone or with a loved one in nature, appreciating all that is before you.

THE REAL WORLD is love, not evil.

So while the state of the world and the information that finds its way to your consciousness is what it is, remember your power. Remember you have a choice.

We can grieve together just as we celebrate together, and we can lean on each other in many ways.

When I started writing this, I was not ok.

But now that space was held for me, and you listened to what was in my heart, and have given me room to fall, I am better.

So thank you. From my heart to yours, thank you.

You have room to fall with me, and my ability to catch you is now stronger, because of the person who came before you and simply listened.

In gratitude,

Namaste,

SNicols